I honestly couldn’t say whether anyone would find my life interesting, but if there is anything that reality television has taught us, it’s that everyone’s life is entertaining to someone. There is always some pathetic fat-ass sitting on a couch eating Bon-Bon’s and living vicariously through others. Maybe if they went out and lost some weight, they would get laid and pay attention to their own lives. But then where would I be? blogging for no one, and really whats the fun in that. I seriously dislike fat people as well as old people, stupid people and a lot of other people. Fat people make everyone's lives more difficult and disgusting on an every day basis. Old people walk around all..well..old, and they remind us constantly that one day that will be us. One day we will be wearing adult diapers, mismatching our clothes and calling our children by the names of people long since dead. God i hope someone im dead before that kicks in. I have a death pact with my best friend, who will from here on out be referred to as Potsnatch. This came to me after a particularly hilarious story of how she snuck some chronic up her snatch to smuggle on a family vacation. Fucking awesome. Back to the death pact. We agreed that once the other got to the point of crapping themselves senile, the other would help them end it. And i dont mean shoot me in the head, or smother me in my sleep end it. PS had done some heroin at a point in her life, and would always describe it as the highest moment of ecstacy she had ever achieved. She talked about it with the happy, glowing, far away look in her eyes that some of us normal people get when thinking about the best sex we have ever had. She gets it thinking about heroin. So after listening to her lust after big daddy H for so long, I figure, when I have to go, thats how i should do it. Just stick a needle in my arm and let me die feeling blissful. Why the hell not?
Fat people annoy me on so many levels.
One - I work in New York City. I have to take public transportation to and from work every fucking day. One the rare occasions that i get to sit on the subway, there is the distinct possibility that some giant lard ass is going to try and squeeze themselves in next to me. What makes you think i want your fat rolls all pressed up against me? What makes you think that your size 20 ass is going to fit in a seat that i would be dubious about sticking my size 4 ass in? why cant u just PUT DOWN THE TWINKIE!
For example, I am waiting on the train this morning on my way to work. I am hungover. It is hot, and muggy and smelly in the subway. I am now nausaous. I see a seat open up and think about getting down on my knees and thanking a god i dont believe in, but then realize that if i do that i will lose the seat. So i push some lady heading for it out of my way and sit down. aaaahhhh heaven.
we hit the next stop and the tiny 17 year old asian squeezed into the seat next to me gets up, Free Willy gets on. Fanfuckingtastic. She sees the seat and waddles right for it. I do not for one second understand how the fuck she thinks she is going to fit her ass into this seat. She gets closer and I get a good look at her. Why is it that fat women tend to wear giant shirts with teddy bears or cats on it, over some stirrup stretch pants that look like they are holding on for dear life? Is that a fashion statement? Is it 1985? WHERE IS YOUR SCRUNCHI? but i digress.
The guy on the other side of the space sees Willy coming and tries his damndest to scoot farther away. Does she not see the look of horror on our faces? she stops in front of us and looks at the seat. I entertain the thought that perhaps, this one in a million fat person is going to have the decency to not make our lives miserable. WRONG. she turns around and i see the ass heading for me and i jump up and out of the way. and what does she do? SHE THANKS ME! does Willy actually believe i did this to be nice? Like i got up because i thought she needed to sit down? NO. you should be walking to whereever the fuck you are going asshole. As i stand in the swaying subway car, i can feel the 8 shots, 4 tanqueray and tonics and numerous beers still sloshing away in my stomach. I decide that if i throw up i will do it on Free Willy.
Two - they think they are entitled to things that handicapped people are entitled to. This disgusts me. You are not handicapped, you are FAT. you should not get a handicapp sticker for you car because your fat ass makes your fat back, fat knees and fat feet hurt when you walk. I heard a comic ( I dont know which one) do a bit about this. I wanted to fuck him he was so right. He was saying that in many states you can now get a handicapp sticker if you are simply fat. He thought that it should be a special sticker, and instead of the handicapp chair it would be an anti-twinkie sign. And the anti-twinkie parking spaces would be the farthest away from where they were going. and they HAD to park there. This way you are excersixzing that fat ass instead of getting to park up front with people with actuall fucking disabilities.
Fuck Yeah Fat Girl (this references my next blog so get to it fucker)
Three - They take up TWO seats in the movie theater. I tried to go see I now pronounce you chuck and larry at the movie theater near my house last week. I buy tickets and wander around and there are no seats. Just the ones in the front that give you a migrane. Fuck That. As i walk around i see a group of fat people near the front. They were sitting in special seats, where the armrest could be pulled up. THE ARMREST COULD BE PULLED UP. So that means that these fat fat fatties could pull it up and let their asses consume two seats instead of one. lovely. so there theoretically should have been 3 more seats. but there werent. because u are disgusting. way to be.
Four - I try and go out to eat, and invariably am seated with a fattie in my line of vision. And no matter how good my Medium-Rare steak is, I just cant enjoy it watching you order 2 dinners and stuff your face as you drool and spit all over yourself and any poor schmuck that is sitting at your table. AHHH.
Five - You dont even need to diet anymore. before the last few developments in technology, the only way for fatties to lost the fat was to ohmygod! work out and stop fucking eating. Now you dont even need that kind of willpower. We can just open u up, put in a few staples to make your stomach smaller and voila! you will get skinnier. So now we have eliminated you needed to do any kind of workout or diet. With this being a fact, if you are still 300 pounds overweight it is your own damn fault Dont blame it on your genes, or being "big boned". who the fuck do you think oyu are? cartman? i can guarantee you are not as funny.
So now that i tihnk about it, i could probly continue this list for a lot longer. But i will stop now as not to gross out my readers. There may be a part 2 in the future. keep an eye out. and put down the twinkie. that is all.
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